Borat Was Better Publicity

Anyone watched the movie Nomad?

The movie was f-ing cheesetastic...cheesiest scenes, cheesiest lines, etc. I swear if I see another guy riding into the horizon, I'm gonna hurl a rock at him just for shits and giggles.

Here's the best bit. So the movie is set in Kazakhastan and the hero is a Kazakh prince. Both parents are Chinese-looking...yet they managed to produce this guy:


Yes...he looks soooo Asian.


When his father embraced him, crying, "My son!" I had to crack up. Dude, your wife was soooo screwing a white dude behind your back.

I know some a lot of Middle Eastern people are gorgeous and yes, this dude looks delicious. I know some Middle Eastern people look almost white.....

...but come on. Really? Two Chinese looking people produced him? Reminds me of what happened to this Indonesian dude. He's Indonesian, the wife's Indonesian, their baby...........was born with blue eyes. Yeah, that marriage ended.

Kazakh government invested $40 million into it. Soooo not a response to Borat. Anyway, freakin waste of money in my opinion. Ok, exciting action sequence and gorgeous landscapes that make it hard to have a truly bad shot, but.....awkward acting, awkward lines, awkward casting....I kept cringing all the way.

Oblivious Much?

Yes. I got a cat. I'm calling it Blanche. I've been thinking of getting one for some time and decided to just get one now. I was planning on adopting one from a shelter but I saw this poor thing on the streets and had to buy it. It's so tiny and looked so scared. Anyway, yeah, I was set on a short-haired black cat but ended up with a long-haired white cat....loll. Well, it's not exactly white. You know how all your white clothes fade to yellow in Indo (cuz of the water or something)? Yeah, it's that shade. And it has a few black hairs on its forehead.

Anyway..this is my brilliant plan. My parents are against it...but I'll just keep it in my room and they won't find out. And looking at how oblivious my dad is, I think I can do this for years.

So Blanche pooped all over the carpet in the living room. I quickly sent it to be cleaned before my dad gets back...and obviously, it wasn't back by the time he got back from work (Murphy's law!).

And he decided to talk to me while I was playing the piano and the whole time I caught myself glancing at the empty floor nervously, wondering when he'll notice the missing carpet. He never did.

He went back down later on and guess what? He still didn't notice a huge ass carpet's missing! This can work guys!!!

I just got reminded of the existence of this amazing contest you guys should totally check out. You're just supposed to come up with one sentence that's meant to start the worst novel ever. Kinda like the anti-Pulitzer prize but limited to one sentence so you don't fry your brains to much. Check out some of these gems:


Towards the dragon's lair the fellowship marched -- a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from "Lord of the Rings."

Andrew Manoske
Foster City, CA



She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't.

Eric Rice
Sun Prairie, WI



The Cunard "Carinthia" glided through the starry waters of the Bering Sea, 843 passengers aboard, including Harriet Dobbs, resignedly single for over a decade, while a nautical mile due west slunk the K-18 submarine, under the command of lonely Ukrainian Captain First Rank Nikolai Shevchenko: ships that passed in the night (although the second technically a boat).

Dr. Sarah Cockram
Edinburgh, U.K.


As she slowly drove up the long, winding driveway, Lady Alicia peeked out the window of her shiny blue Mercedes and spied Rodrigo the new gardener standing on a grassy mound with his long black hair flowing in the wind, his brown eyes piercing into her very soul, and his white shirt open to the waist, revealing his beautifully rippling muscular chest, and she thought to herself, "I must tell that lazy idiot to trim the hedges by the gate."

Kathryn Minicozzi
Bronx, NY


As Lieutenant Baker shrank his lips back to their normal size, he tried desperately to think of a situation in which his new-found power might be useful, as have I, your narrator.

Dan Blaufuss
Glenview, IL

We Haz Freedom K?

My friend's boss at AP was interviewing Singapore Minister of Defense, or something like that, on Singapore's political system. He went on about how Singaporeans have more freedom now. Initially, the government simply gives people HDB flats (Singapore's government sponsored housing). Now they give people the freedom to choose from different coloured HDB flats. Who says Singapore is totally totalitarian and lacks freedom? You can pick if you'd like to live in a green HDB flat, or a blue one, or a red one.......sweet!!!!

Don't Fucking Guilt Me!

Anyone saw those stupid, guilt-inducing ads that have been playing over and over again all over Singapore? It's a campaign to promote road safety, I guess.

One ad features a grandmother buying a birthday cake for her granddaughter, thinking of how happy the kid would be to get it...then she gets hit by a car and dies. The next ad shows some guy picking an engagement ring, speeding home on a motorcycle to get to his gonna-be fiancée and imagining how happy they'd be....yeap. He crashes into a truck and dies. See a pattern here? Then a caption pops out saying something like, "The Best Gift to Your Loved Ones is Yourself. Make It Home Safely."

Fucking annoying, in my opinion.

You know what I'd like to do to improve the ads? Have "Walking on Sunshine" or "So Happy Together" play in the background and stop abruptly when the protagonist drops dead. Insert a huge, "Ooops." followed by, "Yeahhhh.....fucking pay attention."

Now I'd be more receptive to then. But maybe it's just me. The sappy, guilt-inducing ads seem to work on my mom. We were at Lido and those ads played over and over again on the big screen. I got tired of waiting around so I told my mom I was going down to the supermarket to grab water. She looked panicked for a split second and blurted out, "Why?! Stay here! It's dangerous!"

Yes, we're talking about the supermarket right below the theatre.

I had to calm her down by pointing out that the only thing I could possibly get hit by is an out of control shopping cart. The chances of that being fatal is not that high, I believe.

Watch out for the KKK!!!!

My cousin just told me about this hilarious priest she met. Apparently he’s a big conspiracy theorist who believed that the entire freakin world is controlled by a few secret societies. He’s obviously anti-Semitic…why is it that so many crazed conspiracy theorists are adamantly convinced that the world is controlled by Jews? Someone needs to study this.

Anyway, his most brilliant claim….every American president is a member of the Ku Klux Klan. My cousin couldn’t resist going, “Er….even Obama?”

This is Art.

Ok. There has GOT to be a time when something is no longer art. I don't know wtf is going on with this sculpture:


Yeah, think that's bad? Wait until you see the other side of it:


I don't know what that's supposed to be? I mean, ok, it's clearly not created for its aesthetic value. So what kind of statement could it be making? Frustration at a lack of bare boobage in the artist's life? Be good or reincarnation may fuck you over and turn you from a fugly fat man to a fugly fat pig or a woman whose only career option is in the adult entertainment industry?

Yeah...I don't know.

The only explanation that may remotely make sense is that this is an apotropaic sculpture, intended to ward of evil...and other human beings it seems. Hell, I don't think I'm gonna wanna hang out in a house with that thing staring at me.

Cover Letters SUCK.

So I have to write a shitload of cover letters. And honestly, I don't believe in any of the bullshit I'm writing. And guess what? I tried writing a cover letter on why I shouldn't be hired and you should see the words flow. So here's the cover letter I'm actually dying to send:


To Whom It May Concern:

Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I’m a graduate of [insert random university here] (May 2008). I’m writing to beg you not to hire me. I’m applying for this position purely because I’m desperate for a job and I need the money. Though, I would probably still research your company and come up with some creative spin about how special your company is and how wonderful it would be to be part of your team.

On that note, I’m not a great team player at all. Back in college, I wasn’t content to be secretary of the Asian Pacific Student Association for long. I clawed my way into presidency within a year and held that post until I graduated. Yes, I am a megalomaniac-in-training.

Some people would say I was a great leader and they enjoyed how diverse and visible the club became. I smile and thank them politely without revealing that it became so simply because I had friends I could guilt and cajole into helping me out in the Black Student Union, Gay Straight Alliance, Nuestra Alma Latina and various other clubs.

People wondered how I managed to juggle three jobs when I was cramming a 4-year course into three years. They tell me I have great time-management skills. I gave the usual platitudes about how I did not consider working in the Office for International Students and Scholars (OISS), the school newspaper and school blog as work since I enjoyed myself so much. That was a complete lie. I just wanted to find more ways to advertise my club’s events for free. I got paid to advertise my club too. You have to admit that was a good deal.

When you look at the list of awards and honours I’ve listed in my résumé, you may be fooled into believe that I’m an outstanding person, dedicated to personal excellence. In truth, I just needed my parents to believe I’m being too much of a workaholic to party much in LA. Throughout college, I made sure my professors noticed me and dropped many blatantly obvious hints that I would love to be recommended for some prestigious program or award.

I hope after reading this cover letter, I’ve given you enough reasons not to hire me. Thank you so much for your time!

Best,
Me.

P.S. In all seriousness, I don't give a fuck about your company. Really.

I got prayed for. For a gentle and meek disposition.

I managed not to run away screaming, "Fuck nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!"

Very proud. :>

Abuse of Beer?

Ok, I don't really see what the big deal about this but my cousin insists it's an "abuse of beer." A crime equivalent to putting ice cubes in wine so I suppose I better write about it...

So we were at Pizza e Birra:

\

And they have flavoured beer. Like lychee, cinnamon and apple flavoured beer. Obviously we got excited and had to try it..only to discover it was beer with lychee/cinnamon/apple syrup. So yes. I get it. Putting syrup in beer is bad.

I voted!!!

I voted last week in Indo's presidential elections. Since this is Indonesia, this is how they prove you've voted:

Yes, I was freaking proud of that until the next day.....


Holy shit my finger looks like a diseased eggplant!!!


3rd day and the diseased look is still going on...


That's the fifth day and finally.....

One week later:

Yes. Still not gone.

Aren't you 1st World-ers lucky. Voting doesn't involve your finger looking diseased for a fucking week!!!!

Bitch Fest Fun...

You know how annoying it is when you see all those girls wearing the same fucking thing? Come on guys, have more originality. Just because someone buys the Birkin bag doesn't mean EVERYONE has to have it.

I was ranting to my friends about how fucked up it is that 3 girls can show up to the same dinner wearing the same Hervé Léger dress, Prada clutch, Hermès bangle and Louboutin shoes without prior planning.

And then my two friends suggested these "oh snap!" comments to make in future situations like that....

"Aww cute! All the same!"

"Was it buy one, get one free?"

Fix the F-ing Ratio

Ok, what is up with clubs having more dudes than chicks? I went to Attica last night and the guy:girl ratio was like 2:1.

All I can say is:

Oh...and remind me.....next time I get hold of the key to the front gate, after getting the maid to agree on keeping the door to the house unlocked....

...I better make sure I brought the right key.

Turns out that I'm in a far better shape than I thought....managed to climb over the gate...and got my dress caught on the way down.

Nearly strangled myself and ruined the dress. Luckily it was one of those wrap dresses I could slide out of easily and no one's up for me to flash them at 5-6 am-ish.....

Wtf speech.

All from the same woman...

"I was in Geneva, unfortunately there were many Middle Eastern people there." 

- and that's why she didn't get a good impression of Switzerland. Yes.

"Obama bin Laden"

- not a good slip.

"I could be on a diet but when the cake is placed in front of me, I forget about my diet pills."

- right.

She's a Relationship Manager (ie. private banker) for a prestigious investment bank, giving a presentation to the children of high net-worth clients.

Don't Be A Fat Tourist

Anyone read this scary story? My mother just told me about it yesterday...

Ok so this is the Singapore Flyer:

...another overrated tourist attraction. Sorry, unlike London where you have a shitload of historically significant beautiful buildings and *may* enjoy 30 min in a box, Singapore only has buildings. Like office buildings. Boring office buildings.

Anyway, that ride suddenly stopped mid-air last year in December. And they couldn't turn it back on. And guess what? The only way down is to abseil down that shit. Yeah. Oh, did I mention it's 42 floors high?

Yeah...pity the poor souls who had the misfortune of being right at the top.

Most Wtf Compliment

"You're lucky! You look very high-maintenance...."

Murphy's Law!

Thank you M. 

"The other day, I was driving my friend's dad's car right? And then I got hit at the back by this cab driver! And so we were exchanging info and so on and I went, "You know what would really suck? If my mom drives by and sees this now." And yes! At that moment, my mom drove past!!! And the light turned red. And she stopped the car and rolled down the window. And I was like, "Oh fuckkkkkkkkk...." I mean of all places, I got into an accident outside Tanglin Mall. And what was my mom doing there???" -M

See guys? Singapore is wayyy too small.

I was at the Watson's in Takashimaya today and noticed something funny. Right next to the condoms was a whole host of pregnancy test kits. Weird placement...I mean, why would they do that? Here you are thinking of the fun you'll be having as you reach for a box of condoms.....and then you get reminded why sex can be very, very scary.

Maybe they're hoping to send these messages instead?

1. "Aaaahhh!!!! Pregnancy! Scary! Grab a condom NOWWWWW!!!!!"

2. "Wasn't that a fun night? Hey, did you use a condom? Yeah, didn't think so...here, grab the pregnancy test kits."

3. "As instructed by the Singapore government, we're here to remind people that it's best to stick to our conservative values. When you reach for a condom, remember the consequences."

We Fly Highhhhhhh

So I went to Zouk tonight and it's mambo night. Whatever the DJ was on must be fantastic. Random ass songs.

I mean, ok, hearing the Rick Roll song twice was kinda weird but maybe this guy has gotten one too many Rick Rolls and decided to spread the misery. The songs were really old but it's Mambo Night. Fine. Then Disney songs came on. And children songs...like "Top of the World" and this song:

Yeah...wtf. Seriously, I need to find out what he's on...

Isn't it Ironic?

So I'm in Singapore...anyone in Singapore noticed the irony of the latest SingTel ads?

They all have the catch phrase, "Express yourself" and  feature people revealing their secrets.

Anyway, one of the ads feature a girl whose secret was, "I pretend I don't know a lot of things so my boyfriend feels smarter."

Express yourself....by dumbing down and hiding your intelligence.

Rodent Creature Prowls

So I'm alone, the lights are off and I hear rodent creature prowling around my room. I'm fucking petrified right now.

Everything is silent and I think rodent creature's bidding it's time. Holy shit I heard something again. I'm so glad I'm chatting with a friend right now because I'm totally freaking myself out.

I should have told one of the satpams about the rat/mice (sigh, I'll keep it that way just for you N) but it's so cute, I'll feel bad if it gets killed.

Ok, I feel like I have to defend my stance against rodent creature. Like yes, I find it cute, but it's not like I want it jumping on me. I have the same relationship with small dogs. They're cute....at a distance. If they're within a 10 ft radius of me, I feel like they're going to eat me.

And it's not an irrational fear. I swear.

It's about this daschund belonging to Queen Margrethe mauling one of her royal guards. Btw, this is how a daschund looks like:

Not so cute now, is it? That's right! Beware bitches! 

Some Rodent In My Room

So last night I saw a rat in my room. Or mice. I don't know. I've never bragged about possessing amazing rodent identifying skills. Anyway, it was kinda cute. Not sure if I should tell my mom. I probably should since I could barely sleep last night. I kept hearing scratching noises and it totally made me believe that that rat/mice is digging a hole through the ceiling to jump on me. 

That'll be kinda scary.

But the rat/mice is really cute so I kinda don't wanna tell my mom about it. I don't wanna get the poor thing killed.

Unless it starts chewing up my clothes, of course. Then that bastard can burn.

..And I'm Proud of It

So my driver gets a phone call telling him he won some lottery and could claim the prize as soon as he transfers money into this account. Yes, that old scam.

He's not an idiot so he just laughed and told the guy, "This is an old scam! People won't fall for it anymore!"

To which the caller snapped back, "Oh yeah? Then how did I manage to scam a total of Rp 32 million (USD $3200) last week?"

I'm not sure what's more wtf...the fact that someone openly admits and is proud of scamming people or the fact that people still fall for scams like this.

Wanna see some wtf videos?

http://iamjudgmental.blogspot.com/2009/05/crazy-woman.html?showComment=1244789554014#c1005758972526804297

My Sister Got An Owl

That's right. She got an owl. Like an actual owl.

See?

Yes, she bought it off the streets of Jakarta. Yes it's still a baby. Yes, what the fucking fuck. This has got to be really bad eco-system/environment/animal rights/whatever -wise.

Btw, that pic was right before it pooped on my bed. But it's soooo cute, I guess it's fine. I wonder if this is how parents feel about their brats...

Plastic Surgery Tea

So. I went to a tea where the highlight was the presence of this plastic surgeon.

Nice guy.

But I'm now freaked out.

Apparently there's 101 things that can go "wrong" with your body.

Everything from "single-lid eyes" to "my forehead's too high."

Ah yes, and this woman wanted to do a tummy tuck that her husband wouldn't notice. Erm, I think if I got married and my husband could fail to notice I had plastic surgery...well. That relationship is probably a sad, sad one.

The hostess bragged of how she had 16 surgeries done. I'm...perturbed. lol...apparently she gets detained in airports all the time since she looks *that* different.

Feet Torture Is STILL Fashionable

So I was at lunch yesterday and this girl with absolutely gorgeous legs in gorgeous high-heel shoes was there. My mom noticed her gorgeous legs of course and had to ask if her shoes hurt. The girl's mom started going on about how she only allowed her daughter to wear high-heels, even when walking long ass distances in Hong Kong, and that's how her daughter became more comfortable in high-heels.

I nearly leapt across the table to stuff that woman's mouth with cake just to stop her from going on. I could see where my mom's train of thought would start careening towards. Yes. I was right. The mother decided I had to start wearing heels only. 

So we went shopping. Tried on a bunch of excruciating shoes. Ok. What is up with designers designing shoes with the sole purpose of mangling feet??? I kept eyeing the Beverly Feldman shoes....cute but FLAT shoes.

I'm sorry, I walk a lot. I *need* shoes I can practically run in. I mean, it's not like I sacrifice fashion that much for comfort......I still refuse to wear Crocs (one of those shoes that should make you go "wtf.")....

My mom was going about how I should wear cute shoes to lunch since there's no reason I would need comfy shoes at lunch. Says who? Er, I wear shoes I can sprint in for a reason...

Luckily my mom fell in love with the same Melissa shoes as me...

Yes, they're fucking cute. I feel like they were painting my feet and they felt soooo comfy at first. Of course when I wore them today.............

Well...now I have blisters on my blisters. 

And tonight, I felt the need to wear my very cute but extremely painful Steve Madden shoes for dinner. I have never claimed to be intelligent. I was dying. Ended up shoving my shoes at everyone and forcing everybody to admire them. I don't care if everyone agreed they were cute just to avoid getting their toes skewered by me. At that moment, I would accept even sympathy compliments.

Stem Cells

Ok, we all know how stupid the latest fads can get right? But I swear this latest stem cell fad among Indonesian socialites has taken retardation to a whole new level. 

Apparently some people believe that stem cells are the key to better, younger skin. They believe you can rub in stem cell creams, eat stem cell pills and inject stem cells into their faces. What the f*ck?????

If you're wondering what stem cells are, here's the wikipedia entry:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stem_cell

I don't recommend wikipedia for research but it gives you a good general idea of a subject.

If you're too lazy to read, well, a picture's worth a thousand words. Here's what you use stem cells for:

So...the beginning

You know when you're confronted with something that's so absurdly stupid/strange/unexplainable/etc. that the only expression that captures your feeling is, "wtf."

Like an advertisement for a residential complex called Harapan Indah (Beautiful Hope). What the heck am I hoping for? A vermin-free neighbourhood? Normal neighbours? A home that won't collapse from a strong gust of wind? No, really. Tell me. What is it??? Harapan apa??

Or an advertisement for a school that has this phrase, "Is World School" 

What the f*cking f*ck. I just wanted to climb up that billboard and edit it. Come on, this is an ad for an educational institution. Not some hip "Got Milk?" ad that can afford bad grammar. "It's"!!! Not "is"! "It's"!!!!

Yes. A lot of things drive me insane.