Cover Letters SUCK.

So I have to write a shitload of cover letters. And honestly, I don't believe in any of the bullshit I'm writing. And guess what? I tried writing a cover letter on why I shouldn't be hired and you should see the words flow. So here's the cover letter I'm actually dying to send:


To Whom It May Concern:

Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I’m a graduate of [insert random university here] (May 2008). I’m writing to beg you not to hire me. I’m applying for this position purely because I’m desperate for a job and I need the money. Though, I would probably still research your company and come up with some creative spin about how special your company is and how wonderful it would be to be part of your team.

On that note, I’m not a great team player at all. Back in college, I wasn’t content to be secretary of the Asian Pacific Student Association for long. I clawed my way into presidency within a year and held that post until I graduated. Yes, I am a megalomaniac-in-training.

Some people would say I was a great leader and they enjoyed how diverse and visible the club became. I smile and thank them politely without revealing that it became so simply because I had friends I could guilt and cajole into helping me out in the Black Student Union, Gay Straight Alliance, Nuestra Alma Latina and various other clubs.

People wondered how I managed to juggle three jobs when I was cramming a 4-year course into three years. They tell me I have great time-management skills. I gave the usual platitudes about how I did not consider working in the Office for International Students and Scholars (OISS), the school newspaper and school blog as work since I enjoyed myself so much. That was a complete lie. I just wanted to find more ways to advertise my club’s events for free. I got paid to advertise my club too. You have to admit that was a good deal.

When you look at the list of awards and honours I’ve listed in my résumé, you may be fooled into believe that I’m an outstanding person, dedicated to personal excellence. In truth, I just needed my parents to believe I’m being too much of a workaholic to party much in LA. Throughout college, I made sure my professors noticed me and dropped many blatantly obvious hints that I would love to be recommended for some prestigious program or award.

I hope after reading this cover letter, I’ve given you enough reasons not to hire me. Thank you so much for your time!

Best,
Me.

P.S. In all seriousness, I don't give a fuck about your company. Really.