Oblivious Much?

Yes. I got a cat. I'm calling it Blanche. I've been thinking of getting one for some time and decided to just get one now. I was planning on adopting one from a shelter but I saw this poor thing on the streets and had to buy it. It's so tiny and looked so scared. Anyway, yeah, I was set on a short-haired black cat but ended up with a long-haired white cat....loll. Well, it's not exactly white. You know how all your white clothes fade to yellow in Indo (cuz of the water or something)? Yeah, it's that shade. And it has a few black hairs on its forehead.

Anyway..this is my brilliant plan. My parents are against it...but I'll just keep it in my room and they won't find out. And looking at how oblivious my dad is, I think I can do this for years.

So Blanche pooped all over the carpet in the living room. I quickly sent it to be cleaned before my dad gets back...and obviously, it wasn't back by the time he got back from work (Murphy's law!).

And he decided to talk to me while I was playing the piano and the whole time I caught myself glancing at the empty floor nervously, wondering when he'll notice the missing carpet. He never did.

He went back down later on and guess what? He still didn't notice a huge ass carpet's missing! This can work guys!!!

I just got reminded of the existence of this amazing contest you guys should totally check out. You're just supposed to come up with one sentence that's meant to start the worst novel ever. Kinda like the anti-Pulitzer prize but limited to one sentence so you don't fry your brains to much. Check out some of these gems:


Towards the dragon's lair the fellowship marched -- a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from "Lord of the Rings."

Andrew Manoske
Foster City, CA



She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't.

Eric Rice
Sun Prairie, WI



The Cunard "Carinthia" glided through the starry waters of the Bering Sea, 843 passengers aboard, including Harriet Dobbs, resignedly single for over a decade, while a nautical mile due west slunk the K-18 submarine, under the command of lonely Ukrainian Captain First Rank Nikolai Shevchenko: ships that passed in the night (although the second technically a boat).

Dr. Sarah Cockram
Edinburgh, U.K.


As she slowly drove up the long, winding driveway, Lady Alicia peeked out the window of her shiny blue Mercedes and spied Rodrigo the new gardener standing on a grassy mound with his long black hair flowing in the wind, his brown eyes piercing into her very soul, and his white shirt open to the waist, revealing his beautifully rippling muscular chest, and she thought to herself, "I must tell that lazy idiot to trim the hedges by the gate."

Kathryn Minicozzi
Bronx, NY


As Lieutenant Baker shrank his lips back to their normal size, he tried desperately to think of a situation in which his new-found power might be useful, as have I, your narrator.

Dan Blaufuss
Glenview, IL

We Haz Freedom K?

My friend's boss at AP was interviewing Singapore Minister of Defense, or something like that, on Singapore's political system. He went on about how Singaporeans have more freedom now. Initially, the government simply gives people HDB flats (Singapore's government sponsored housing). Now they give people the freedom to choose from different coloured HDB flats. Who says Singapore is totally totalitarian and lacks freedom? You can pick if you'd like to live in a green HDB flat, or a blue one, or a red one.......sweet!!!!

Don't Fucking Guilt Me!

Anyone saw those stupid, guilt-inducing ads that have been playing over and over again all over Singapore? It's a campaign to promote road safety, I guess.

One ad features a grandmother buying a birthday cake for her granddaughter, thinking of how happy the kid would be to get it...then she gets hit by a car and dies. The next ad shows some guy picking an engagement ring, speeding home on a motorcycle to get to his gonna-be fiancée and imagining how happy they'd be....yeap. He crashes into a truck and dies. See a pattern here? Then a caption pops out saying something like, "The Best Gift to Your Loved Ones is Yourself. Make It Home Safely."

Fucking annoying, in my opinion.

You know what I'd like to do to improve the ads? Have "Walking on Sunshine" or "So Happy Together" play in the background and stop abruptly when the protagonist drops dead. Insert a huge, "Ooops." followed by, "Yeahhhh.....fucking pay attention."

Now I'd be more receptive to then. But maybe it's just me. The sappy, guilt-inducing ads seem to work on my mom. We were at Lido and those ads played over and over again on the big screen. I got tired of waiting around so I told my mom I was going down to the supermarket to grab water. She looked panicked for a split second and blurted out, "Why?! Stay here! It's dangerous!"

Yes, we're talking about the supermarket right below the theatre.

I had to calm her down by pointing out that the only thing I could possibly get hit by is an out of control shopping cart. The chances of that being fatal is not that high, I believe.

Watch out for the KKK!!!!

My cousin just told me about this hilarious priest she met. Apparently he’s a big conspiracy theorist who believed that the entire freakin world is controlled by a few secret societies. He’s obviously anti-Semitic…why is it that so many crazed conspiracy theorists are adamantly convinced that the world is controlled by Jews? Someone needs to study this.

Anyway, his most brilliant claim….every American president is a member of the Ku Klux Klan. My cousin couldn’t resist going, “Er….even Obama?”

This is Art.

Ok. There has GOT to be a time when something is no longer art. I don't know wtf is going on with this sculpture:


Yeah, think that's bad? Wait until you see the other side of it:


I don't know what that's supposed to be? I mean, ok, it's clearly not created for its aesthetic value. So what kind of statement could it be making? Frustration at a lack of bare boobage in the artist's life? Be good or reincarnation may fuck you over and turn you from a fugly fat man to a fugly fat pig or a woman whose only career option is in the adult entertainment industry?

Yeah...I don't know.

The only explanation that may remotely make sense is that this is an apotropaic sculpture, intended to ward of evil...and other human beings it seems. Hell, I don't think I'm gonna wanna hang out in a house with that thing staring at me.

Cover Letters SUCK.

So I have to write a shitload of cover letters. And honestly, I don't believe in any of the bullshit I'm writing. And guess what? I tried writing a cover letter on why I shouldn't be hired and you should see the words flow. So here's the cover letter I'm actually dying to send:


To Whom It May Concern:

Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I’m a graduate of [insert random university here] (May 2008). I’m writing to beg you not to hire me. I’m applying for this position purely because I’m desperate for a job and I need the money. Though, I would probably still research your company and come up with some creative spin about how special your company is and how wonderful it would be to be part of your team.

On that note, I’m not a great team player at all. Back in college, I wasn’t content to be secretary of the Asian Pacific Student Association for long. I clawed my way into presidency within a year and held that post until I graduated. Yes, I am a megalomaniac-in-training.

Some people would say I was a great leader and they enjoyed how diverse and visible the club became. I smile and thank them politely without revealing that it became so simply because I had friends I could guilt and cajole into helping me out in the Black Student Union, Gay Straight Alliance, Nuestra Alma Latina and various other clubs.

People wondered how I managed to juggle three jobs when I was cramming a 4-year course into three years. They tell me I have great time-management skills. I gave the usual platitudes about how I did not consider working in the Office for International Students and Scholars (OISS), the school newspaper and school blog as work since I enjoyed myself so much. That was a complete lie. I just wanted to find more ways to advertise my club’s events for free. I got paid to advertise my club too. You have to admit that was a good deal.

When you look at the list of awards and honours I’ve listed in my résumé, you may be fooled into believe that I’m an outstanding person, dedicated to personal excellence. In truth, I just needed my parents to believe I’m being too much of a workaholic to party much in LA. Throughout college, I made sure my professors noticed me and dropped many blatantly obvious hints that I would love to be recommended for some prestigious program or award.

I hope after reading this cover letter, I’ve given you enough reasons not to hire me. Thank you so much for your time!

Best,
Me.

P.S. In all seriousness, I don't give a fuck about your company. Really.